why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
