alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
