you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
