I think my fart just growled at me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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