How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
