He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
