Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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