why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize