You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
