I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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