Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
