it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
