just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Ladies don't puke and tell
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We need to get me chipped asap
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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