TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
