I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
