I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
