I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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