And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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