He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
