I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Say something about gay babies.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
