If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
