FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
