Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
