Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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