apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
