Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
