He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
