I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
