Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize