Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize