Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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