ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
