i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
