Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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