you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
