You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
