just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
