Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
