Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
