Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
