So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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