I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
