no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
