Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
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