I wish my penis had an off switch
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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