You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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