did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
