I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
