In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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