ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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