you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Randomize
