Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
COCAINE IS GR8
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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