sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
