I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
