ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just invented taco cereal.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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