oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
