All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
