I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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