i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
