Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
