I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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