She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
