I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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