make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
