I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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